Jill (wanderingrogue) wrote,

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This is a short text message conversation I just had with two of my friends over my cell phone:

Me: I just had to go check the breakers in the basement and there's an inch of standing god-knows-what down there. I'm in flip-flops and long pants. *cries*

Friend 1: I bet it's just water. Or dead babies. Your call.

Me: God I hope so. We had a sewage leak last year. Dead babies would be infinitely preferrable.

Friend 1: I'd take them over raw sewage too.

Friend 2 (in response to my initial text): Oh gawd. Are you bangin' Helena Bonham Carter upstairs?

Me: I wish. That's a much better way to attempt to catch something.

And with that...

Ooooooooohhhhhgoooooooodddd I stood in gross basement ground water and/or sewage!!!!!! Jesus motherfucking tittyfucking christ on a fucking...gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

*hops around* *hops around* Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!!!!

It's on my pants! Iiiit's. On. My. Paaaaaaants!!!

I can feel this crap seeping into my system, giving me cholera, diphtheria, gonorrhea, malaria, west Nile, polio and fucking Stockholm syndrome. I'm getting dizzy and my vision is fading*.

This is it.

The end.

I'm going to rise from the medical examiner's table in about twelve hours with a hunger for human brains.

I'm going to feast on the living!

I will be the beginning of the Zombie Apocalypse!

All because I had to go check the fucking breakers because the fucking washing machine is broken!!

Thanks, cheap ass place of employment. Your second-hand machines have brought about the end of civilization!!

*Not really, but I am slightly nauseous because I'm a hypochondriac.
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